


Let the Rabbits Take Her Home

by Alcyonidae



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Humor, Whoa SarcasmFish let's not get carried away with all dem FEELINGS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-15
Updated: 2015-04-15
Packaged: 2018-05-07 08:26:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5449946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alcyonidae/pseuds/Alcyonidae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She had long finished the contents of her mug, but kept it in her hands. She stared down into the empty void, unable to admit that she needed to leave and get some rest. Her throat tightened on words that needed to, but couldn't be said. They sat together, instead, in comfortable silence. The sounds of the ship a gentle mother humming her soothing sounds around them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my second piece of fanfic. Read in horror as I try to creep out of my cold robotic heart and explore some feelin's. (It's horrifying.)

Kaidan drifted through the ship idly, marveling at the strong sense of deja-vu it brought him. It was remarkably similar, and yet, at the same time, unique in a hundred different ways. It was like walking through a dream. His mind kept showing him shadows and mirages of what used to be. He found himself lost and had to retrace his steps several times. His feet were following the old layout.

The analytical, technical side of him saw improvements and upgrades. The ship had more space, a better drive core, optimized layout, and more opportunities for crew moral gain. The list could continue. The nostalgic side of him saw what was missing and what had been lost. Aside from the physical things; opportunities, friendships, and memories. The list could continue. Kaidan stopped in front of the memorial wall near the elevator. His eyes drifted over the names. Some he knew, some he didn’t.

His thoughts returned to Shepard, as they often unwillingly did. What must it have been like for her to first walk these halls? When she first stepped onto the ship, it had only been a matter of days between the destruction of her first ship and the advent of her second. What ghosts and apparitions did she see? He reminded himself to hold onto that. He had mourned for nearly two years and almost destroyed himself in the process. She had been given only a faint few days to grieve a lost ship, lost friends, and lost time. A fading part of him still wanted to be angry and bitter with her. It wanted to rail against her two year absence in his life, her temporary employer, and other reasons he was still struggling to give name. But, he was learning that a reminder of her own suffering usually quelled this sullen side of him.

Kaidan made his way to the starboard observatory on the crew deck. He immediately took in the large picturesque window looking over the cosmic landscape slipping by. The view port took up nearly the entire wall and seemed to engulf anyone standing before it. He spent a long moment in silence, not a thought to keep him company. This is where he would spend his off duty time. He made the decision without thinking. A part of him, he thought he had muted, whispered to him unbidden; this is where Shepard would find herself drawn.

He grimaced because it was right, and because it was unwelcome. How many times had he intruded on Shepard’s idle star gazing? They seemed to be her most serene moments, and he had longed to be a part of them. A lifetime ago he would have stood beside her, a silent sentinel. Despite his best efforts, he had never quite been able to grasp why she was so easily transfixed by a view of the distant stars, whether it was on the grounds of some foreign planet or out the window of a space station. The stars had offered her nothing but heartbreak and sorrow. Perhaps that was why he had guarded her stargazing, to ensure they did not cause her further harm.

Kaidan had always been proud of his level of control over himself. He thought he had these wandering thoughts under his stern control, but this ship was provoking them.

Time became inconsequential as he watched the twinkle of distant stars glide past. How many of them were now experiencing the same horrors he had left behind on Earth? How many could they save? How many could he help?

The door behind him opened with a sigh he swore had left his lips. He turned to address the new occupant, but the part of him that was buried, the part he was trying so hard to keep quiet, already knew who he would find. Shepard was framed in the doorway, the very picture of an Alliance commanding officer. She wore a crisp uniform, pressed and pinned in all the right places. She carried herself in a way that, even without the rank on her shoulders, told anyone who might question it that she was in charge. A few wisps of hair he knew she couldn’t tame betrayed her perfect appearance. The intimate knowledge burned in his chest momentarily. There was a time when he would have freely reached out and fondly tucked them behind her ear.

Her outward appearance was important to her. It wasn’t out of vanity, but out of the confidence and control she had to project to others. She could be dropped into a warzone wearing flip flops and a bathrobe, and she would be able to lead any army with ease. But, she bore a considerable burden of concern for civilians. It was important to her that any civilian in need could look to her for strength at any moment.

“Kaidan.” She said simply. For a moment, she looked hesitant to enter. Was she as uncertain about him as he was about her? The time they had spent together at the hospital had reminded him of why he had fallen for her in the first place. If he could refrain from sticking his feet in his mouth again, she would quickly fill that gaping wound in his chest. That cautious side of him screamed out again to warn him of danger, traps, and vulnerability. He had to keep his distance. He had to remain professional. Trust had brought pain. For once, he politely ignored the wary voice. It had shown itself to bring only sorrow, not safety.

“Hey, Shepard.” He gave her a warm smile, trying his best to put aside the awkwardness they both were no doubt feeling. She returned the smile and crossed the rest of the way into the room to stand before the stars. He measured the distance between them, trying to derive some hidden message in the way she held herself. He had, after all, drawn a gun on her a matter of hours ago. But she had also readily accepted him back on board her ship. Shepard was anything but an open book.

“What do you think?”

He stared at her a moment, his mind racing unnecessarily. What was she asking? What did he think of the ship? Of the stars? Of them? He took control of his scattering thoughts and decided to stick with the safe path.

“Well, it’s, uh… quite the ship. I took a grand tour.” He paused a moment to look around, as if surveying the ship again. “It’s not exactly the Normandy that I first served on. There’s a lot of new things to get used to and other things that have been moved around. But I think with time I’ll find my place.”

“Good. It’s good to have you back on board.” She gave him another brief smile, but it was intertwined with a flash of something else. She seemed to realize this slip and turned away from him, gazing back out at the stars, her arms crossed loosely across her stomach. He paused to regard her momentarily. It was the first time he had actually had a chance to just look at her. Her stance was fairly open, but bore traces of weariness. The uniform was presented with military precision, but she looked small inside of it. Shepard was bearing the weight of the galaxy. Kaidan would not pity her. She would hate it if he did. But he would do all he could to help her bear that weight. His words to her from those late night talks on the SR-1 came back to him. When someone special to you is up on a ledge…

There was silence between them. But, he noted, it didn’t feel like an uncomfortable silence. Both of them stood watching the distant worlds. There was a lot he wanted to say, but it didn’t feel right or fair to disrupt her meager amount of freedom with his burdens. He would find the right time.

Kaidan brushed the back of his hand over his forehead a moment, a small nervous habit born out of his periodic migraines. He turned back to his commander, to asses her mood, but she remained fixated on the infinite blackness and shimmering lights outside. If he waited much longer he knew he would lose his nerve. He would sit awake tonight and talk himself out of it. He took a steadying breath before breaking their amicable silence.

“Will you be here for a moment, Shepard? I need to get something real quick.”

She glanced up at him and nodded. “Yeah, I’ve got some time.”

He made the short trip to the crew quarters and back as quickly as he could. Luckily, no one stopped him or he was sure his confidence would have evaporated through the airlock. He returned with a simple white box between his hands. It was about a foot in length.

Upon his return, Shepard’s eyes darted to the box and then back up to his. Her eyebrow quirked up in a mix of curiosity and vigilance.

Kaidan stopped in front of her. He focused on the box, letting out a puff of breath he hadn’t remembered holding before glancing back up to her eyes. “I’ve been kind of an ass, Shepard. I… I’m really good at sticking my foot in my mouth, but not very good at… at this.” He broke off from her questioning gaze and used the view as an excuse to look away briefly. Would she understand what he was bumbling about? He met her eyes again and pushed the box towards her. He was relieved when she accepted it.

“What is it?” She made play of lifting it to her ear and giving it a gentle shake.

He smiled at the familiar, cliché exchange, gesturing for her to sit on one of the comfortable couches in the observatory. “Open it and find out.”

Shepard sat down, as he indicated, and rested the box on her lap. Her hands passed over it almost affectionately. “You really didn’t have to do this, you know.”

He chuckled lightly, giving a teasing air to his words. “Just open it, would you! The suspense is going to kill me.”

“You?” She smiled at him again before lifting the top of the box off and setting it beside her on the bench.

That smile was quickly replaced by another expression he agonized to give name. He was holding his breath again. Suddenly he was back on the SR-1, confessing to his superior officer that she was special to him. He was overstepping boundaries that had been laid out for centuries. He was risking it all on partial information. If this was a mission that required a gun strapped to his back, he would have called it suicide. Kaidan found himself wishing, not for the first time, that Shepard was easier to read. She was staring silently at the contents of the gift, her thoughts and face an excruciating enigma. Would she understand?

Finally, just as he was about to begin damage control, her voice broke through his uncertainty. It was a small, breathless whisper he strained to catch. “You remembered…”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished this while proctoring a 5 hour state test in a tiny, HOT, room with no chairs to sit down on. I scribbled it in microscopic print on a tiny piece of wadded up paper with my hand and the wall as the only things to write on.
> 
> Ready to find out what the gift was? Oh, too bad! We start off with a flashback instead! Mwhahaha!

_Shepard woke with a gasp, jerking her head up off the desk. A datapad she had fallen asleep on was stuck against her cheek. It went clattering back onto the desk as she lifted her head. She gulped down a few steadying gulps of air, but it did little good. The spacious cabin seemed too small, too dark. The struggle to draw in each breath built up a layer of cold sweat on her forehead. Her heart strained against her ribs, and she worried it would finally give way. With a hand to her chest, she grappled with forcing herself to calm. She was stronger than these phantasms. They could not harm her here in the safe clutches of the ship. After far too long, she was able to breathe somewhat smoothly again._  
  
_It was dim in her quarters, an indicator that the ship was still in night cycle. She glanced down at the time on her omni-tool and confirmed. Most of the crew would be asleep at this time. Shepard yawned and stretched before standing. Falling asleep at her desk with only cold technology as a pillow had blessed her with a few aches. She grabbed the N7 hoodie from its resting spot and threw it on, zipping it all the way up to her chin._  
  
_She stopped at the meager sink and splashed a bit of cold water onto her face to try to wash away the evidence of her restless night. Shepard paused and gazed into the small mirror, the hand towel she had been using to pat her face dry forgotten in her hands. She peered a bit closer, inspecting the darkness under her eyes and the redness that rimmed them. It was a good thing the ship lights were currently dimmed._  
  
_The door to her quarters unfurled as she passed through. She shoved her hands down into the pockets of the jacket as her feet unconsciously led her towards the limited crew area. Luckily, no one was passing through for a meal or changing shifts that might interrupt her stealthy late-night expedition outside her cabin. Or so she thought._  
  
_“Commander?”_  
  
_Shepard froze mid-stride and turned towards the voice that had called out to her. Kaidan. His duty station was located on the other side of the wall of her quarters. He wasn’t scheduled to be on the night cycle crew. He must be pulling some overtime. Or perhaps their recent trip to Feros had been as unsettling and exhausting for him as it had been for her._  
  
_He was doing that thing where he rubbed his forehead with the back of his hand. It was sometimes hard to guess if he was doing it out of nervousness or if it was a response to a building migraine. She pushed away at the feeling that the familiar gesture was almost comforting. Was he the one person she wanted to see most or the one person she wanted to see the least right now?_  
  
_“Hey.” Her feet were somehow still making their own choices and they chose to alter her path towards him. “I didn’t think you were on night cycle. What are you still doing up?”_  
  
_“I just wanted to run a few programs on the data I took of the Thorian. And I had a few others I needed to finish since we were gone so long today. I could ask the same for you?” The question was tentative. He was still worried about overstepping protocol._  
  
_Shepard found herself mirroring his early gesture. Her hand left the safety of the jacket pocket to rub against her forehead. She had no building migraine. “The Prothean images from the beacon have always been kind of disturbing, but... I never really understood them. Now that I have the cipher…” Her eyes cut to the side, away from him. This vulnerability she was exposing by admitting what was keeping her up was not something she would idly share. “Well, they make a lot more sense now.”_  
  
_He nodded kindly, seeming to understand the implications she was too proud to share. Or he was just smart enough not to provoke her pride by digging deeper._  
  
_Kaidan crossed an arm across his chest and rested the elbow of his other arm on top of it. One finger tapped his lip. He appeared to be mulling something over. Shepard watched him curiously a moment before he seemed to make a decision. “I think I have something that may help.”_  
  
_“Alright.” She crossed both arms over her chest, waiting for him to produce this magic remedy._  
  
_“Give me a minute.” He motioned to the conference-sized table that served as the crew eating area and then disappeared into the tiny mess hall prep area._  
  
_She watched him withdraw and then made her way over to the table he had registered. Shepard pulled out a chair from the end of the table and angled it so her back was to the wall. She rested her arm on the table, her fingers moving soundlessly on the top. Her fingers danced, not out of nervousness, but because of her accustomed need to be doing something. Waiting was as foreign to her as speaking Turian._  
  
_Kaidan returned just as she was making up her mind to go and find him. He held two navy blue standard-issue coffee mugs, both emblazoned with the SR-1 logo in white. He offered one to her, and she gladly accepted. The steam spiraling above it made her hands suddenly long for warmth. He then pulled a chair out to sit across from her._  
  
_Shepard moved to take in a whiff of the familiar aroma but stopped when she inspected the contents closer. “This isn’t coffee.” She looked up at him with a puzzled, guarded expression._  
  
_“Nope.” Shepard waited for him to expound on the statement, but he just leaned back in the chair and took a sip from the cup. His eyes watched her over the rim with a challenge._  
  
_Well, challenge accepted. She lifted the contents to her lips, narrowing her eyes at him over the edge of the cup as she took a cautious taste. How dare he challenge Commander Shepard. Did he know the kind of crap she had had to eat on some of her missions? The alien food she had pretended to like on diplomatic expeditions?_  
  
_Her expression suddenly and sharply changed. She nearly jerked back from the cup with surprise. “It’s chocolate!” she exclaimed in astonishment._  
  
_Kaidan chuckled lightly at her wide-eyed reaction. “Yeah.” He smiled and watched her a moment longer, as if trying to determine if her amazement was genuine or if she was toying with him. His eyes then narrowed swiftly, mug still held close to his lips. “Wait. You’ve never had hot chocolate before?”_  
  
_Shepard shrugged a shoulder. “Guess they never included it in the colony ration shipments.”_  
  
_He smirked teasingly. “Poor deprived colony kid.”_  
  
_“Hey! We had some good things!”_  
  
_“Like what?”_  
  
_“Well…” She paused, struggling a moment. “Sometimes my mom would make us smoothies.” Her chin lifted slightly with faux pride._  
  
_“Made out of what?”_  
  
_She responded in a small voice, glancing away and hoping he wouldn’t hear her. “Vegetables.” She turned back to drink from her mug as if to show she didn’t care she was quickly losing this battle._  
  
_“Vegetables?” Kaidan barked a short laugh. “You’re not making your case any stronger.”_  
  
_She gave him a smirk and a scowl in mock frustration. He grinned broadly back at her, and she couldn’t help but laugh. “Ok, I guess I’m not.”_  
  
_Shepard pulled her feet up into the chair and sunk down into it, holding the cup against her chest with both hands wrapped around it. She sighed contently. Kaidan watched her for a moment, the expression in his eyes sliding from something she couldn’t quite name to sudden mirth. He tossed his head back with an unexpected laugh, quickly covering his mouth with the back of his hand as if trying to keep it from continuing. “I’m sorry, Shepard, those really ruin your reputation.”_  
  
_Her eyes narrowed dangerously at him, confused at his sudden laughter at her, until she glanced down at her feet. Shepard cursed under her breath, noticing the white rabbit slippers adorning them. She had been in such a disarray that she must have forgotten to take them off before leaving her cabin. The embarrassment colored her cheeks, and she momentarily covered her face with a hand._  
  
_“This is classified information, Lieutenant,” Shepard muttered behind it. This caused her companion to only laugh harder. “I will have you court-martialed if anyone finds out. Do I make myself clear?” Shepard pointed a finger at him to punctuate her seriousness while she tried her best to keep from joining his levity._  
  
_Kaidan waved a hand, as if trying to brush away any concern that he would betray her confidence, despite his continued laughter. “Yes, ma’am. Your secret is safe with me. The great and powerful Commander Shepard wears a pair of bunny slippers around the house.”_  
  
_She gave him one last playfully threatening glare before shaking her head in an overly dramatic way. “We don’t need two Joker’s on this ship.”_  
  
_Shepard shared the remainder of his laughter. She found herself suddenly glad she had taken this late night trip. Kaidan had been right. She did feel better and she wasn’t sure it was just the hot chocolate that was making her feel that way. A warning sounded somewhere in her head. There were dangers of getting this close to a fellow soldier. There were rules about this for a reason. A little whisper in her mind, an old wound, tried to remind her it was dangerous to get this close to anyone. But, she needed this bit of companionship. Leadership could be lonely. It distanced you from others._  
  
_She wiggled her toes, making the little ears on the rabbits twitch._  
  
_“You look cozy.” She realized Kaidan had been watching her. His voice was suddenly sober, and he glanced away when she met his eyes. She gave him a small smile to reassure him of the comment. She enjoyed the times they just sat and talked. It felt good to not be Commander Shepard for a while. It felt good to step off the pedestal and be someone’s equal._  
  
_She had long finished the contents of her mug but kept it in her hands. They might fidget otherwise. She stared down into the empty void, unable to admit to herself that she needed to leave and get some rest. Her throat tightened on words that needed to -but couldn’t be said. They sat together instead in comfortable silence, the sounds of the ship a gentle mother humming her soothing sounds around them._  
  
_Her eyes were weighted, and she struggled to keep them from drooping closed. The dim lights and warm drink were comforting. She was momentarily struck by the strong urge to remain curled up in the chair. She could easily drift asleep here, reassured by the presence of another. Another? Or just Kaidan? She shook her head to clear it of the bleariness a lack of sleep had brought. Sleepless nights could damage judgment as much as alcohol could. She was getting far too foolish and far too sentimental this late at night._  
  
_Shepard caught her head wilting forward again and jolted herself awake. She met Kaidan’s eyes, a veiled flicker of concern hidden in them before she spoke._  
  
_“Thank you, Kaidan… for this.” She held her gaze to his, hoping to implore her sincerity._  
  
_“Anytime, Shepard. Anytime.” His voice was strangely hoarse, but he didn’t look away from her this time. His eyes seemed to carry the same message._  
  
_“We should get some sleep.” He stood as she did and offered to take her mug._  
  
_“Goodnight.”_  
  
_“’Night.” Her voice was softer than she had intended. Sleep was already claiming her. She let the rabbits take her home._  


* * *

  
  
“I can’t believe you remembered.” Shepard reached inside of the box and retrieved a pair of white rabbit slippers. She ran her hand along the soft faux fur in a loving, almost disbelieving way.  
  
“How could I not?” Kaidan chuckled lightly. An oppressive force lifted from his shoulders. Now that Shepard seemed pleased with his gift, he was quite proud of himself. It loosened his tongue. “I thought I was going to have to carry you to...” He cut the end of the sentence off with a bit of a strangled cough. Just what was he saying? Any trace of smugness evaporated at his compromising lapse. The remembrance that he had given up any chance of Shepard’s affection with his doubt of her actions sobered him. And saddened him.  
  
Shepard was still focused on the pair of slippers in her hands. She was wiggling each of the rabbit’s ears with her fingers. An easy smile rested on her lips. She was either ignoring his slip or kindly pretending not to notice the intense embarrassment rolling over him.  
  
“How did you find them? They’re just like the ones I had…” Her voice finished on a wistful, almost sad note. He hoped she wasn’t imaging the original pair’s destruction. Drudging up painful memories had not been his intention.  
  
Kaidan shrugged a shoulder, trying to seem casual. He didn’t want to press upon her how important obtaining the gift had been for him. “I had a lot of free time while I was laid up in that hospital.” In truth, it had become nearly an obsession, something to fill the gap between doctors, waiting for news about the Normandy, and his physiotherapy. To others, his search may have seemed pointless and frantic, a source of insanity instead of what was keeping him grounded. A part of him said he was doing this to erase his guilt. He dismissed it quickly. Commander Shepard could not be bought.  
  
Her actions betrayed a heartbreaking tenderness for these little stuffed animals. It made sense to him. They wouldn’t betray her. They wouldn’t turn their back on her. They wouldn’t die. He took a cursory glance over her. Her guard was down. Her eyes had lost some of that luster he remembered; it was replaced instead by strain and sorrow. Was it the Protheans keeping her up at night or any number of new demons? She had brought a crew through a suicide mission only to lose some of them upon their return.  
  
What he had said at the hospital was true. He had done this because he still cared for her. There was no taking care of Commander Shepard. She could and would take care of herself. But he could care about her. And care for her. There was a big difference there, he realized. He was not there to rescue her or save her, even from herself. His purpose was to be her stable ground. Something he had been doing a terrible job of lately. He was there to offer his opinion and advice, but also to understand that she may not take it.  
  
Shepard suddenly reached down and freed the laces on her meticulously shined boots, then kicked them to the side. Kaidan quirked an eyebrow, jolted from his wool-gathering by her uncharacteristic actions. She slid the rabbit slippers on and then stood, modeling them on her feet.  
  
“They’re perfect.”  
  
She hesitated a moment, then tossed her arms around his shoulders in an abrupt embrace. Kaidan froze, almost startled at the sudden move. He was momentarily speechless. This response was unexpected. Shepard was not the touchy-feely type. Truthfully, he was not really sure what kind of reaction he had been hoping for when he had sought out the gift. Forgiveness? With him in boots and her in rabbits, she had to lean up on her toes a bit. The gesture was brief and chaste. He hardly had enough time to return it. But it did give him a sudden surge of hope that he hadn’t lost all chance at her friendship or affection.  
  
“Thank you, Kaidan. It’s… very thoughtful of you.” She gave him a brief smile and picked up her discarded boots. “I should get back to work, though.” Shepard made her way to the door and paused, glancing over her shoulder a moment. “We should talk later.”  
  
“I’d like that,” he replied softly.  
  
He watched her exit, standing slightly in the doorway to keep it from automatically shutting. Garrus was leaving the elevator as she passed. The Turian started to nod a greeting to her but suddenly gasped in laughter upon catching a glimpse of her rabbit-laden feet. His polyphonic voice carried through the hallway. “Shepard, tell me… are you planning on defeating the Reapers or inviting them to a slumber party?”  
  
Shepard laughed and cheerfully swatted him on his armored shoulder. “Shut up, Garrus.” Kaidan smiled at the exchange.  
  
Even in simple everyday interactions, Shepard was a surprise, much like the rabbit slippers she completed her day wearing.


End file.
